Travels with the Railway Fairy

Have you taken the train lately?

With everyone suddenly discovering their deep concern for fuel prices, I figured the train would be just the thing for my new job. So I quickly bought a First Class BahnCard. Online, obviously. Then I enthusiastically booked tickets.
Karlsruhe to Düsseldorf in just under three hours. Hard to beat unless you own a private jet.

Sadly, this plan ignored reality entirely. In an age where “everything flows,” the railway apparently feels obliged to demonstrate just how eventful a train journey can be.

It honestly feels as if, once a week, a railway fairy checks which carriage Mr. Zimmer will be using and then proceeds to tamper with it.

Episode 1: Climate, Retirees, and the Quiet Zone

One week, the air conditioning in the neighboring car breaks down, and for reasons known only to higher powers, all passengers are reassigned to the exact same seats in my car.
Which is how I end up in the quiet zone, wedged between a group of very chatty retirees.

No offense to retirees in general, but these five had an impressive urge to communicate.

Episode 2: The Wandering Carriage

The following week, the fairy decided that the car with my reserved seat should materialize at the opposite end of the train.
Great fun watching two or three hundred people suddenly try to reorganize themselves on the platform.

Meanwhile, the ICE doors are honking loudly to announce their imminent closure, and the conductor shouts encouragingly:

“Car 38? You still need to move five cars forward.
And hurry up!”

Episode 3: Heat, Water, and Collapse

Dear fairy, thank you also for arranging that the air conditioning in my reserved car failed the week after that.

After two hours, a train attendant finally had the brilliant idea of handing out cold water to every passenger.
Too bad half of them were already lying comatose under their seats.

Episode 4: Newspapers and Atomic Trash Bins

Next, the fairy moved on to deterrence. Instead of the usual clean, calm First Class cars, she prepared something special for me.

On one train, a passenger appeared to have a very specific newspaper fetish. Over the course of the entire journey from Munich to Karlsruhe, he systematically shredded an unidentifiable newspaper into its smallest possible components.

Have you noticed that there are no trash bins inside the cars anymore?

Oh, sorry, dear fairy, they do still exist. They’re just so small they can only be used as temporary storage for objects of near-atomic dimensions.

Eating an apple, for example, becomes a real challenge.
Not the eating part. The disposal.

This brings me back to my theory about pensioners.
Not exclusively Dutch, but suspiciously often Dutch.

They know the railway fairy too. That’s why their apples are already peeled, chopped, and packed as tiny suckable cubes.
No trash bin required.

Try it yourself.
Find the bin. Then try putting something in it without hitting your head or getting stuck.

Episode 5: The Seat That Would Not Lock

This week, the fairy came up with something particularly nasty. She let me believe that this time, everything would be fine.

• The train was on time
• The car was in the right place
• My seat was reserved
• The air conditioning worked

Just as I was about to sink into my soft First Class leather seat with relief, I noticed it:

The seat wouldn’t lock.

At first, it didn’t bother me much. No one was sitting opposite me.
That changed quickly once the seat across from me was occupied and the train driver performed one or twenty-two spontaneous braking maneuvers.

Each time, I was abruptly launched into a lying position, despite desperately bracing myself to stay upright.

Particularly unpleasant was the fact that my knees maintained constant contact with those of the rather stout lady opposite me.

Thank you, dear railway fairy.
I’m curious to see what you have planned for me tonight.